


love you through it

by NerdsbianHokie



Series: Judge Not [5]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Cancer, Gen, Hurt and comfort, Mentions of homophobia, PTSD, Panic Attack, after effects of cancer treatment, cancer recover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:42:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29666055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdsbianHokie/pseuds/NerdsbianHokie
Summary: though they often feel that way, Lucy, Maggie, and Alex aren't alone as they cope with the trauma of Blue Springs
Series: Judge Not [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2145540
Comments: 64
Kudos: 60





	1. and i will cover you

**Author's Note:**

> When you’re weak, I’ll be strong  
> When you let go, I’ll hold on  
> When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes  
> When you feel lost and scared to death  
> Like you can’t take one more step  
> Just take my hand, together we can do it  
> I'm going to love you through it
> 
> -I'm Gonna Love You Through It  
> Martina McBride

Lois had long lost interest in the Fourth of July. Even before she had been disillusioned by what the United States really was, the celebrations she went to once she was no longer abroad didn't hold up to her expectations.

On the bases she spent her childhood in, the Fourth was massive. It wasn't just a celebration of the day, but of being Americans together away from their country.

The firework shows her first few years back state side had been good shows, but had nothing compared to getting the day off of school to go to the carnival, face painted in stars and stripes. It had nothing on the energy of soldiers and their families spending the day together.

She had expected that, had expected more, of parties in the States.

Her first year in Metropolis, she had spent the night at a friend's apartment, a roof party giving them a fantastic view of the fireworks. Since then, she might go to a party, might not, depending on her mood.

Lucy's first year in Metropolis, she had been working. Barely a month past her high school graduation and the fight with their parents for her to stay with Lois, she hadn't been able to get time off from her position in the Daily Planet mail room.

She had barely seemed to even want to get the time off.

But, her second year, it happened naturally.

And Lois knew she had to do something.

Lucy wasn't the cynic she was, hadn't come to the realization of how bad their county could be.

She was no longer the bright eyed kid she had been ten years ago, on Lois's last Fourth with the family before the fight with her father, but she was also not the near comatose husk she had been when their parents had just left her the previous year.

And, perhaps, Lois could help pull that bright eyed kid out just a bit for one night.

She considered a day trip to the beach in Bakerline, culminating in the fireworks over the harbor, but the trip back to New Troy would be hell.

She considered the party many of her co-workers were going to, but she knew that would be full of alcohol and at least some drugs and that she should not give her depressed, barely adult sister access to either of those.

After that she had given up on big plans.

Lucy was often twitchy in large crowds anyway.

So, the morning of, Lois simply asked if Lucy wanted to watch the fireworks from the roof of their building. As sunset grew close, they made their way up the building, Lois carrying a small cooler.

It had seemed a good idea. A makeshift picnic during the fireworks.

But, Lois couldn't stop watching Lucy.

In the flashes of red and green and yellow, Lucy’s shoulders were getting tighter and tighter. Her head was down, completely shaded.

She jumped as a particularly large firework exploded.

“Lucy?”

She didn’t react.

Lois reached out and lightly touched Lucy’s arm.

Lucy jerked away, nearly falling to the side.

“Do you want to go inside?”

Lucy nodded.

She curled into Lois’s side as they made their way back to their apartment and Lois could feel the way she flinched every time a firework went off. By the time they were in their apartment, Lucy was trembling.

Once, when Lois had been fifteen, she had gotten a hold of _Nightmare on Elm Street_ and watched it while their parents were out. She had thought Lucy, six years old and constantly fluctuating between being the best part of Lois’s life and the worst thing to happen to her, was asleep. After Nancy was attacked in the bathtub, a noise in the house made Lois jump before realizing it was crying.

Lucy crying and terrified after sneaking out of bed and watching through the partially opened door.

Though she would never admit it, Lois had been grateful for the reason to stop watching as she had carried a trembling Lucy back to her room. They had cuddled in Lucy’s bed as Lois had read picture book after picture book to distract Lucy.

She thought of that night as she entered her own bedroom with a trembling eighteen year old Lucy. She sat Lucy on the edge of the bed, but Lucy instantly laid down and curled up.

Lois’s heart ached as she grabbed another blanket and got into the bed as well. Lucy curled into her.

She held Lucy through the rest of the fireworks, then after Lucy had fallen asleep. 

Lois didn't bring it up the next day. Lucy would go to her when she was ready.

Ready ended up being dinner on the fifth.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," Lucy said after a long stretch of silence as they both ate.

"You don't need to be," Lois said.

Silence fell again for a few long minutes. Lucy twirled some spaghetti with her fork.

"I was shot at. Once. Back in Blue Springs."

Lois's eyes went wide. She stared at Lucy.

At her baby sister who had just so casually said someone had shot at her.

"The fireworks, they…" Lucy trailed off and shrugged. "That's all."

That's all.

That's all?

"That's all? Lucy that's… How did that happen? Do mom and dad know?"

She knew before asking that their parents did not know.

She knew that it had to have been a big reason Lucy had just shut down.

"They don't and you can't tell them. I was kinda breaking the law when it happened."

What the actual fuck had Lucy gotten up to in Nebraska?

"Have you told Heather?"

"She'll just tell them."

Lucy had a point there. Their parents paid for her to see the therapist, so it wasn't a stretch to think she was reporting back whether she was technically allowed to or not.

Silence stretched between them again until Lois couldn't hold the question back anymore.

"What law were you breaking?"

The corner of Lucy's mouth twitched up.

"There was a billboard. It always had the worst shit on it, so Alex and I would paint over it." She lost the hinted smile. "The owner was trying to catch us, nearly did once. We stopped when she was diagnosed again, but another friend and I went to paint it one more time. The owner came out shooting."

A tear rolled down Lucy's cheek. Another.

"I don't know what happened to Maggie."

Every detail Lois learned only hurt more.

"I can try to find out," she offered.

Lucy stared at her. "What?"

"If you want. I am an investigative reporter after all."

Lucy blinked. She looked back at her pasta. "That would be good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there was a bit of a gap. I have three pieces I intended to post last week, but then I got the idea for three other pieces that happen before those, so I wanted to get those up first.
> 
> title for this chapter is from CHVRCHES The Mother We Share


	2. is forever enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie takes a step

Maggie was bringing a girlfriend home for the break.

Maggie didn’t know that Maya knew that.

Maggie hadn’t told Maya that she was dating her teammate. Maggie had simply said that Toby wasn’t able to make it home, then asked if she could spend the winter break with them.

But Maya had been able to hear the softest tinge of fear in Maggie’s question, had recognized it from Oliva all those years ago.

And Maya did know how to use FaceBook, even if her girls thought she was useless. She had seen the pictures of Maggie and Toby posted by their friends.

Maya knew Maggie was bringing her girlfriend home, but didn’t want to freak her out, didn’t want to take that choice away from Maggie, so she made sure the guest room was prepared along with Maggie’s and said nothing when she picked them up from the airport.

She silently approved of Toby. A journalism major who, off the soccer pitch, wore large, thin framed glasses. She was almost too polite, clearly ever aware of the ‘meet the family’ aspect of the trip despite thinking Maya didn’t know, but had a dry humor that worked perfectly with Maggie’s love for puns and other bad jokes.

Toby had 'never been on a farm before, except when we went apple picking one year when I was in high school', but she was willing to learn and help where she could.

The pure love on Maggie's face made up for the mistakes Maya went back to fix.

Maya was sure to give them space, but not too much out of fear that Maggie would see it as rejection.

It was five days.

Five days of acting like she couldn't see them from the kitchen, holding hands as they walked the field. Five days of pretending she didn't understand how soft their looks with each other were. Five days off ignoring the fact that they were both anyways freshly showered when she came home from literally anywhere.

After five days, Maggie joined her in the barn for the early morning chores.

They worked in silence for nearly an hour before

"How long have you known?"

Maya kept her focus on the calf she was bottle feeding. "Known what?"

"About me and Toby."

Maya glanced up just enough to see Maggie focused on the other calf.

"The entire time."

"What?" Maggie's voice was strangled. "You didn't say anything."

"I knew you would tell me when you were ready."

Silence settled again as Maya's calf finished his bottle, Maggie's not far behind. The silence started as they got the calves back outside to the pasture.

Maggie leaned against the wooden fence, knocked off the snow that had fallen overnight, and watched the twins return to their mother.

"I'm sorry I didn't trust you."

"You have reason to be weary."

"Olivia said I could tell you."

It was good to know the girls could talk to each other like that.

Maya wrapped an arm around Maggie’s shoulders.

“You don’t need to tell me anything short of you getting arrested and needing bail. Do I like when you tell me stuff about your life? Yes. Do I expect it? No.”

Maggie leaned into her. “I think I love her, tía.”

Maya pressed a kiss to the side of Maggie’s head. “Tell me about her?”

And Maggie did.

She told Maya about meeting Toby over the summer, during the first soccer training of the school year. Toby was a year ahead of Maggie in school, but had transferred to Gotham U from University of California, Star City.

They had bonded during trainings and team social events, then started to hang out without soccer as an excuse.

By October they were dating.

“She’s just...she’s so funny and ambitious. She knows exactly what she wants to do after school. And she’s so kind, like, just a really good person.” Maggie sighed, then perked up slightly. “Does this mean we can both sleep in my room?”

Maya laughed. “Yeah, mija, if that’s what you want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Toby is based on Maggie's original girlfriend in the comics  
> Picture her as Mackenzie Davis as Yorkie from San Junipero
> 
> Big thanks, once again, to 4beit for letting me borrow Maya and Olivia
> 
> chapter title is from The Chicks Lullaby


	3. sinking like a stone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex struggles with the long term after effects of her treatment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This does get into the impact cancer treatment can have on a person, especially a kid, which isn't great.

The music was loud enough Eliza could hear it clearly as she entered the house.

She hated it, both the volume and the music itself.

The album had been a gift from Kara who had somehow gotten it delivered to the house in Blue Springs without a trace.

_'It's the kind of music Alex listens to,'_ the attached note had said. _'i think she might like it.'_

Eliza has been hesitant. Why would she give her child fighting cancer a CD with a song called Cancer in it? But, it was a gift and it was a band she recognized from Alex's CD collection.

Alex fell in love with the album instantly.

Eliza hated it.

She sort of understood why Alex liked it - the anger and pain thread throughout the songs was a perfect mirror for the anger and pain Alex was steeped in - but Eliza hated it.

The only up side was that it let her know Alex was having a very bad day.

The next song started and Eliza winced under the first lines.

_‘And if your heart stops beating, I'll be here wondering_ _  
_ _Did you get what you deserve? The ending of your life’_

She did her best to block out the lyrics, knowing there would be no success in ignoring the music altogether. She stepped into the kitchen to grab a drink, pausing for a moment in the open doorway. She trailed her fingers down the marks climbing upwards, faltering over the gap between the last time they had measured Alex before her first treatment in National City, and when she had come home.

It might not have been the best decision financially, but she was grateful she hadn’t sold or rented out the house during their time in Nebraska.

Eliza forced herself away from the markings, poured herself some iced tea from the fridge, then made her way to her office.

_‘Have you heard the news that you're dead?_ _  
_ _No one ever had much nice to say_ _  
_ _I think they never liked you anyway’_

Her closed door only slightly muffled the music, the headphones she put on muffled it even more.

She was able to focus on a few essays, leaving trails of red ink in her wake, before it was time to go make dinner.

The music was quieter when she took her headphones off. 

That was good. Alex was starting to pull herself out of whatever spiral she had fallen into.

_‘Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading_ _  
_ _So sick and tired of all the needless beating’_

Eliza made pancakes and eggs.

Not their usual dinner by any means, and far from what she had been planning that morning, but she knew it would make Alex feel better.

She had a small stack when she realized the same song was playing over and over.

_‘When you go, would you have the guts to say_ _  
_ _"I don't love you like I loved you yesterday"’_

Eliza closed her eyes, took a few deep breaths.

It had been a really bad day, bad enough Alex was thinking about Lucy.

The song looped a few more times as Eliza finished making dinner. It turned off just after five, their established dinner time.

The silence was just as deafening as the music had been, then came the steady tap of Alex's cane.

Another sign of how bad a day Alex was having. Although Eliza insisted Alex use it while out and about, Alex typically refused to use it in the house.

Eliza did her best to keep it from Alex, but it hurt to see her with the cane at all, a remnant of relearning to walk that she may never fully recover from. There were a lot of after effects of the treatment Alex may never recover from.

Alex was slow and stiff as she walked into the kitchen. The hood of Jeremiah's Stanford sweater was pulled up but didn't hide the carefully blank look on her face. She fell into more than sat in her chair.

They ate in silence, Eliza fighting back every need to ask what has happened, what was wrong. Over the past few years she had learned that asking would make Alex less likely to talk, that she instead needed to make sure Alex knew she was available to talk, and then give her space to get her words together.

Alex got them together as she pushed a final piece of pancake through trails of blueberry syrup.

"I talked to Professor Daniels about accommodations today."

Eliza figured it hadn't gone well. Daniels was someone she had interacted with on occasion, but not much. What she had heard from other professors, however, wasn't great. Notorious for seeing his intro courses as weed out courses, he rarely did anything to help students.

"I've been trying to stay on track in his class but…"

That was one of the hardest late effects to adjust to. For both of them.

Alex had always been an intelligent child, curious about everything and absorbing knowledge wherever she went. During her first bout with leukemia, Eliza had been terrified that the chemo would impact her brain. Doctors had said it was a possibility, that Alex's brain was still developing and it was common for cognitive impairments to develop in child cancer survivors.

Alex had been diagnosed with ADHD before the leukemia, and what problems that came after could have been attributed to either.

The recurrence and the experimental treatment, however, left a bigger impact.

"I told him I understood the lessons, but that it took longer, and that I don't think I'll be able to finish exams in the usual time because of a medical condition that I already have accommodations for." Alex stabbed the piece of pancake. "He said if I can't handle the class I shouldn't be taking it."

Eliza seethed.

Alex struggled every day. Some days she said a fog descended, obscuring every attempt to understand new input. Other days it was her brain moving faster than it's connection to her mouth or hands, leaving a trail of stutters and incoherent notes in its wake. And even others she felt like a zombie, body in motion but mind absent.

They were still developing habits and coping mechanisms for her worst days. School accommodations were a part of that. To be denied them would only end badly.

"And then I fell."

The anger coursing through Eliza's veins shocked, froze, rendered her useless under fear as she began to look over Alex as much as she could add they sat at the table.

"I'm fine," Alex continued. "I just tripped in the hallway upstairs, no bruises or anything, I'm just sore and…" She shrugged.

"Angry?"

Alex deflated even more. "I'm so tired, mom. Tired and angry and tired of being angry and angry about being tied."

Eliza stood, rounded the table, and pulled Alex into a hug.

Alex didn't cry, but she trembled as she clung to Eliza.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> while I wrote Judge Not, I learned that The Black Parade album came out the year after I had set the story (which was chosen purely on a whim for a single reference in the first chapter or something). I toyed with the idea of just going 'eh, it's already an au for a fictional universe, maybe mcr put it out early here' but I couldn't get those plans to work, so I left it out and pulled it in here.  
> They lyrics through the chapter are from different songs in the album  
> The last song, 'I Don't Love You' gives me a lot of feels about Alex and Lucy here. Go listen to it and cry
> 
> The chapter title is from Fleurie's 'Can You hear Me?' which Aide found for me, so major thanks for that
> 
> the next parts will go back to the girl's pov


End file.
